Rolling With Metaphors

Well, it has been rather a long time since I've written one of these, hasn't it? I must admit, this hasn't worked out the way I wanted it to since I started working, but my work shift pattern has changed now, so hopefully I'll have a lot more time to do things other than work, consume, shit and sleep. Hopefully. No promises.

This post, once again, is going to be focused on a particular passion of mine. It's going to be long, and it might expose me as a massive faux-intellectual bore. So, best of luck everyone; stick with it, and you might learn something. Possibly that, as a writer, I'm not worth the electricity that powers my laptop, but whatever, as I said in the beginning, I'm doing this for me, not you, so suck it. 



Skateboarding. Oh, Skateboarding. It was only a matter of time, wasn't it? Skateboarding is my first true love, and it harbours all the feelings and habits that come with anyone's first true love. It was a passionate whirlwind to begin with; Skateboarding and I. And, for a long time, it was the brightest light in my life. For this reason, I spent so much time Skateboarding that it's mostly to blame for the fact that my GCSE and A-Level grades feel like a primary school report that your parents would read aloud, gazing over it to meet your eyes as they read the bit that says, "good, but must work harder." Some of my friendships with people who didn't skate suffered, as I shunned time with them to be with her skate. And even though it was a happy and blissful few years as a whole, we had our times where we had disagreements. We even came to blows, a time or two (or seventy). I was inexperienced, and not all that good. She hurt me more than I was comfortable with. Sometimes it felt amazing, sometimes it ruined my week, and the odd thing I still bear the effects of now (honestly, ask to hear/feel my left shoulder the next time you see me, if you haven't already). And, as all first loves eventually seem to go, we grew steadily apart. Nobody really knows what started it, but the fact is, we never see each other anymore. (I'm going to carry on with this "skateboarding is a lady" metaphor, ok? It's contrived and formulaic, not to mention it's annoying to write this way, but I've got the idea in my head, and it pleases me. Press Ctrl + W if you can't take anymore.)

In the same way as it was like a first love then, it stays with you like any other. I don't think a single day goes by when I don't think about Skateboarding. I bang on about Skateboarding to a lot of my friends; most, if not all, of whom either don't give a shit or, in some cases, wish I'd shut the fuck up. Rather shamefully, I still look at pictures (and videos) of her it on the internet, thinking about what might have been and occasionally masturbating using my tears and sweat as lubricant.

I'll never forget you, Skateboarding, and those years we had together.

Now, that's enough of that dross, what I actually wanted to talk about was that rumours are abound of skateboarding being included in the 2020 Olympics in Tokyo. Now, this is something which I'm rather conflicted about. "But why? Why wouldn't you want your passion to be exhibited in the slickest, most professional way, to the greatest amount of people?" Well, yeah. I do want that; but skateboarding, as it will be shown at the Olympics would be as far removed from actual skateboarding as, say, the 110m hurdles is from your walk down to the corner shop to buy an issue of Nuts and a Snickers. Yes, at their basest elements, they're essentially the same thing, but if you suggest that they're the same thing to anyone who's had experience of either, they'll think you're an idiot.

Now, you see, skateboarding is like wine (fucking bear the fuck with me, alright? It makes sense, I promise). People can tell the difference between Red and White pretty easily, but it takes a fair bit of experience of drinking wines to pick out all the nuances and qualities of wines. A lot of people can't even do that, hence Lambrini.

Nah, sod all that wine speak for a minute, I'll explain it in a bit. Here's some skateboarding to absorb. Without me trying to patronise, try your best to pick out the differences in all three. A response on Facebook or Twitter or something as to which is your favourite and why (unbiased by what I write further on) would be of interest too, if you feel so inclined.

This first video is Dylan Reider. It's incredible. He's also ridiculously dreamy and has modelled for DKNY and Penguin in his spare time, so he's got that going for him as well. Cunt.

This next video is Nyjah Huston. He's generally regarded as an absolutely shit human. He's a misogynist, cocky, spoiled crybaby. However, there's no denying he's on the absolute cutting edge of what's possible on a skateboard in the streets, and has ritually cleaned up in the Street League competitions (more on that later). In spite of his technical ability, a lot of skaters don't like watching him (more on this in a bit, too).

This is Bob Burnquist's back garden. I don't think anymore needs to be said about a man who has that as his back garden. While this is THE cutting edge of all skateboarding, again, it isn't as enjoyed as other stuff.

This is Brian Peacock's Something Sinister section courtesy of Thrasher. Holy Christ. I'd never heard of this guy before today, before watching this clip, and bloody hell. Instantly a favourite. An Asian-American demon in beige chinos.

This is related to the above video. This is PJ Ladd in the Coliseum skateshop video PJ Ladd's Wonderful Horrible Life. This is generally regarded as one of the best video parts of all time. Ever. Released in 2002, it was the equivalent of a band putting up a Youtube video of them jamming in a dingy bar. And it BLEW THE FUCK UP. Imagine that band who posted the metaphorical Youtube video above then went on to be signed by the biggest label in the world, consistently touring the world, and selling a shitload of albums and merch, being given signature instruments and stuff. Just off the back of them doing an improvised jam. There'll never be another like this again, Youtube has seen to that itself.

This last video is Gou Miyagi, from Japan. I wanted to include it because it's weird and it's rad and it supports my wine analogies (when I pick back up on them). 

Right, that's almost an hour's worth of skateboarding there. None of it looks like what you'd see at the Olympics. Out of any of those, the closest is the Burnquist section. If the snowboarding in the Winter Olympics is any indication, there will be two events; "Street" and "Vert Halfpipe". Later they might add "Mini Halfpipe" or maybe even racing, akin to Snow/Ski cross or a downhill slalom. They'd be judged on trick difficulty and whether they land cleanly or not. This is very bad. This is the way Street League is judged. Street League, in its formation, was touted as being the antidote to things like the X-Games, which, for years, skaters the world over have been saying, strip the soul away from skating. In the end, it turned out much worse. Because everyone concentrates on difficulty, the actual aesthetic of the trick itself is put on the backburner. This is pointless, because the act of skateboarding is 90% aesthetic. Also, the contest runs dissolve into everybody doing the same thing, as no points are rewarded for creativity or variation. The X-Games now does do this, and it has become much more representative of "proper" skateboarding in the last few years. Most other contests don't even award points, the judges decide subjectively based purely what they see.

There's a common saying in the skateboarding community; "I'd rather watch Gino push." Gino Iannuci is famously stylish, but generally only known to skaters who know their stuff, as he is seen in footage less frequently than Bigfoot. His style means (somewhat exaggeratedly) that people get more fun from watching footage of Iannuci pushing down the street than Nyjah Huston (Clip 2) has ever exhibited in any of his Street League runs, any of his videos or photo coverage. Difficulty and technical progression are not the same as style. Under no circumstance can style be faked or forced. It's easy to tell and it looks wrong. At least Nyjah doesn't fake a style, he just doesn't have one. He's like a video game character. The difference with all of the other parts is that they have style in buckets. Style, at it's best, is spontaneous, creative, and, most of all, fun. Fun, other than style, is the most important ingredient in skateboarding. It's easier to feel like you're having fun if you're watching someone who's having fun. That's why a common thing in skateboarding videos is clips of people partying or their friends giving them props for a trick, or laughing. That's why PJ Ladd's section is so good; half the tricks are just spontaneous cocking about. Well, the other half are fucking ridiculous, joke shop insanity, that helps too.

Right, ok, back to wine. Wine has hundreds of ways that it varies. Everything from colour, to breed of grape, to soil acidity, humidity, wood it's stored in, length of time fermented for, loadsa shit. There's citrusy wine, spicy wine, woody wine, full-bodied, mild, fresh, sweet, bitter, robust, I'm just listing words now, but you're following me, I assume. The simplest differences to spot are colour; that'd be the "type" of skating, for example. And as you become a more experienced taster of wine, more attuned to the levels of flavour and variation, so too does a more experienced skate-footage-watcher become more attuned to the nuances in skateboarding. Now, I'm sure you've heard at some point that there are wines out there that cost thousands upon thousands of pounds for a bottle. You'll never experience that wine. Never. Maybe 20 people in the world alive today ever will. Now, imagine that wine, to someone who has tasted a lot of other wines, tastes like tap water. THAT is what skateboarding at the Olympics is. It's the skateboarding that is unattainable, inaccessible. I'll never be able to do what I see at the Olympics. I'll never be able to do what I see in most videos either, but at least if the guy is wearing jeans and is with his mates, it looks possible, maybe. Like a nice, reasonably priced wine, I can taste it and appreciate it for myself. With the fun, large parts of the style and the accessibility of skateboarding taken away, what's left is something that's a skeleton of what it is, a shattered husk of what skateboarding should be. If this was to be the case I don't want to see my beloved skateboarding at the Olympics.

Continuing to flog the dead horse of the wine metaphor; wine tasters can also be adept at tasting food to accompany their wine, and often food commentary brings about opinon on restaurant interior design, and so on and so forth. Everything I know about photography (very little) and filmography is because of skateboarding. And just as wine on a rainy tuesday evening in Didcot probably wouldn't taste as good as wine in the sun, on the marina in Monaco, so does skateboarding attune itself to locations, evoking special memories and inspiring creativity. I'm not a creative person. I can't draw, I'm not an inventor, and my writing isn't really that good, is it? But, with skateboarding, everything becomes a possibility. I see everything from benches to staircases to ledges and roadways in a completely new light. Just, um, like with wine? Nah fuck it, I'm done with this.

This post has inspired me to go out skating tomorrow, maybe there's a chance to rekindle my old love yet. Even if only in private, when we're alone. If that slut goes to the Olympics, she can fuck off (I'll probably still watch it because I'm a massive hypocrite).